first of all

Before I start writing about my lifes course of events the last couple of days, I want to point out that I'll be fine, I guess, it will probably sound alittle bit more depressed than it really is.

moms party

My mother picked me up in the afternoon and gave me a ride to Ramnäs, in the car we talked about her new appartment and about the renovation of the house she lives in atm, I offered her my help and she was thankfull. When we arrived in Ramnäs I sat around for a while and talked to mom, then went to meet Ias and Linn at his mothers, when I got there I found out that I had missed Minetthes birthday! So I took her to the store and bought her some candy and cola. When we got back I went downstairs with Ias and Linn to Simones room, we started to talk and watch stuff and had a good time waiting for the birthday-"kid" to arrive. Time passed, mom and my sister arrived, more time passed, we ate, people got drunk, we sat down and talked and I had an OK time. Ias younger brother had a moped that Ias and Linn wanted to try, they wanted me to try also and it was just as boring as I expected, but it was on the other hand very fun to see Ias almost fall, driving on the backwheel, I couldnt stop laughing (ofcourse I wouldnt laugh if he did fall).
It was now evening and the plan was to go out with mom, but everyone except me had some kind of hindrance so we went to my place to pick up my ID before going out together. We were gona meet my dad, uncle, and some cousins on a pub, but when we arrived there my dad were already drunk and arguing with the guards, they wouldnt let him inside so we called my cousins and asked them to come out and then we walked to another place. One of my cousins were already on her way home, she didnt feel well.
We got inside, they bought some beers, we sat down. Five seconds later I was kind of bored, I went away to try to find the DJ and when I did I asked him to say congratulations to my moms 50th birthday between the songs, he did but noone noticed.
I started talking to my uncle about Antonia, he seemed to be very interested and it felt good that he cared. Time passed and I was talking to Linda (my cousin) and it was very pleasant. After a little while I forced everyone to go to the dancefloor, we danced and had a great time, I danced with mom :D They got more drunk and started to talk more emotional. I missed Antonia like crazy.. We were fooling around, dancing, hugging, singing and talking. When it was time to leave everyone decided to go to my uncle for an afterparty, but my mom didnt feel like it, she really wanted to go home. They kind of made her join, said it would be fun and that she shouldnt ruin the evening, I felt so sorry for her, seeing myself in her, knowing that it is really hard to say no and also knowing how it is to want to go home more than anything. I told them to leave her be, that they should respect her and that they shouldnt make her feel bad, I said she could sleep at my place if she wants or I could walk with her to the buss. But then the others stopped a taxi and told her to just come already.. I know she didnt want to, but she did anyway, to not let the others down. The others were happy, didnt realize shit, drunk fucks always lose respect for others and I hate it. We arrived at my uncles place, he lives with another man who were sleeping and wanted to be left alone, he told them that but they didnt care at all, kept annoying him and laughing about it, showing absolutely no respect at all, he got angry ofcourse and they just laughed more.. My mom were sitting in the corner, bored and unhappy, noone cared, they tried to cheer her up by making her drink more, thats always the sulotion, just get drunk, fuck it. They started talknig about love, how to define love, my cousin and uncle said some beautiful things that made me look up to them alittle. One thing about my dad and uncle is that they never let anyone talk, especially not if they are drunk, my dad interupted me hundreds of time, my cousin tried to talk to me, she wanted to hear my deffiniton of love, I tried to tell her but I were always interupted by dad, I got pissed and sad, shouted at him to shut the fuck up when others are talking, telling him that he never shows any fucking respect at all, he looked at me, laughed and then started talking again, now my cousin got seriously pissed also, she stood up and raised her voice and told him to fucking shut it! Now they all got quiet, turned to me so I could tell them my view of love, but I was almost crying already, the situation was a mess and my mom just wanted to get home. I brought it up, said that we should get mom a cab, but dad disagreed, said its to expensive and she can just sleep here if she is tired. I were so angry at this point, how can he not understand that this has absolutely nothing to do with being tired or not.. I told mom that we could pay the cab so she could go home, but in the end we had my grandfather pick us up. I went outside with mom to talk to her while waiting, she said that she had a great time before we went here, and I agreed, I did have a good time untill we got there. Well, thats about that.



beautiful weather

The last few days the weather has been really damn amazing! While I was walking to Johan I really realized how amazing it is, I started thinking about getting myself a skateboard or a pair of inlines or just a book and sit outside and read. I was imagining spending time with Antonia in this great weather.. when I suddenly got really sad....

italy and jealousy

In alittle more than a week Antonia is leaving for Italy with her classmates for 10 days. She is gona spend ten long days in a warm country, enjoying the sun, having a great time, but without me.. It was just like I was imagining, but I was replaced with others, the thought of that made me sad.. We talked about it, she tries to comfort me and ofcourse she would much rather be with me, but she wont :( You might think it wont differ much, that I am not with her anyway, but that is far from true, we have been talking almost everyday for months now, and sometimes we talk for like ten hours. My jealousy has always been a problem and ofcourse it hurts me, her and our relationship, I hate it so much and feel like I am the cause of everything negative and I start to beat myself up, which makes her even more sad.

I am obsessed, I became what I feared most. To be unhappy is nothing rare anymore, to get sad when she tells me how great her day was is nothing out of the ordinary in our relationship (because she was so happy without me), that I rather have her being bored and therefor appreciate the time she has with me more is SICK. That is however just the way it is.
I used to think that I was a good boyfriend, that is so fucking wrong though. Im not saying im a bad person, I really dont think so, but I am definitely not good for the girls I fall inlove with.

I have had an obsessed partner, it was the worst shit ever. I dont know what to do.

I have been very jealous because of my friends and it is getting harder and harder for me to cope with it..
This is probably why we sometimes have a very hard time being happy, I am very sensitive and carefull. The consequences is that she feels like I am prohibiting her from doing things. IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!! Its not a matter of trust, I just know that the level of their attractiveness makes it fairly likely that I will be left out.
MY FRIENDS > ME, everyone wants the best. Is it lack of self-confidence or am I only realistic? People who says the first one, probably dont see my friends as high as I do.

It would be to much. Fuck it, I might just escape everything by moving to Germany. Seriously.
I am not the center of the world, I am not the center of anyones life, ofcourse not, but why does it hurt not to be? KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKARMA!!!!!!!! Cry cry cry till you fall asleep and hope next day will be better. Would it stop hurting if I moved? Will I stop hurting her? It feels like it wouldnt be the real deal. She has to be free and still want me.



self-confidence

I dont know, do I have a (good) self-confidence? I always thought so, kind of, but I guess I more or less killed it when I fucked one of my best friends ex-girlfriends.. Yup, I did, I dont know why and I fucking regret it.. I think I am so jealous and obsessed because I was so fucking stupid and did what I did. I look down on myself. But I dunno.. I think I am the best when it comes to many areas, and I KNOW I am the best at some areas ;) And hey, Ias & Antonia knows me best and look what Ias wrote..

(20:45) www.J0k3.se <3 Ias:
har jag bra självförtroende?
(20:45) Tobias - Ias:
hahaha skoja inte

two years

The 23rd of April, it was two years ago since Göran died.. I remember it like yesterday..

Rest in peace Göran. 581108-060423.

Here is a diary entry from 26th April 2006.



Allt började i Söndags, jag och min kusin var allmänt less på allting. Våra liv (Tibia) rasade samman då han blev av med sitt lösenord och jag dog, så vi tänkte att en promenad kanske vore något. Efter att ha bestämt oss för att vandra ner till Eskilstuna så gick vi hem till mig (vi var hemma hos honom och åt när vi fick iden) och vi tänkte att när vi ändå är i Eskilstuna så kan vi ju likabra ta tåget ner till Norrköping för att hälsa på Frex! Vi började kolla på kartor och efter att ha sett hur nära det var till Linköping så sa jag att vi skulle vandra dit och hälsa på Elin. Linköping det är en ganska bra bit bort, så då kunde vi ju likabra ta oss hela vägen till Eksjö och hälsa på Ture & Elin! Men vi behövde minst ett ställe att ta paus på mellan Linköping och Eksjö, så Tobbe frågade en CS-Polare från Somme om vi kunde sova över där en natt och det var helt lugnt.

Solen var fortfarande uppe så vi började gå, med oss hade vi:
- Mobil och laddare
- Kamera
- 25kr
- Toa papper
- Lite snus

Vi började med att gå till Surahammar för att hälsa på Sara, men hon var inte hemma. Av Sara's mamma fick vi varsin banan och flaska vatten och en chans att sitta ner en stund. Det var redan mörkt nu och när vi började gå igen så insåg vi att om det tar lite mindre än 2 timmar att gå till Sura, vilket är typ 8km, så är det dumt att försöka gå hela vägen till Eskulstuna som är ca 5 mil. Från början var planen att stanna och sova i Kolbäck, men eftersom vi inte fick tag i någon som bodde där så tänkte vi att vi skulle försöka hitta någonstans att sova i Hallsta. Efter ganska många kilometers funderingar kom vi på att Jerry kanske bor Hallsta, så vi ringde hans flickvän för att få tag i hans nummer, men hon svarade inte så vi ringde Therese och fick då numret. Han svarade inte, men vi fick tag i honom lite senare och han var påväg till Ramnäs för att sova hos sin flickvän, men efter lite övertalning så fick vi sova hos honom mot hans vilja :P Väl framme hos honom (de hämtade upp oss utanför hallsta) så fick vi äntligen sitta ner och dricka Cola (och äta upp hans godis)!
Som vanligt blev det lite diskusioner Tibia vs. WoW men vi somnade tillslut och började nästa morgon med att låna 200kr och gick och köpte Pizza, godis och cigg. Efter det gick vi till Tobbes skola och berättade för hans lärare om våra planer, sen bar det av mot Kolbäck, Strömsholm och vidare mot Eskilstuna.
Våra ben och fötter plågade oss ganska rejält, och det märktes tydligen för när vi gick in på en mack och köpte cola och bad om en vägbeskrivning frågade en gubbe om vi ville ha skjuts, men jag tackade nej, vilket jag ångrade några minuter senare när jag blev utskälld av Tobbe :P Vi satte oss ner och drack lite cola, snod... lånade en reflex av en cykel och började sedan prata om att försöka lifta. Efter bara några minuters försök stannade stans skummaste gubbe och vi frågade om vi kunde få lite skjuts och javisst! Jag har ingen aning om vart vi hamnade, men vi gick in i en affär och bad om vägbeskrivning efter att ha blivit avsläppta, och idioten säger "Ta höger vid rondellen", vi började vandra, och vi gick och gick, förbi någon kriminalvårdsanstallt, Tobbe fick en ordentlig energikick och sprang till andra sidan vägen för att sparka till en pepsikork. Vi rörde oss framåt i någon Zombie-aktig form, vi liknade nog "Crypt Shambler" från Tibia ganska mycket. Hursomhelst, när vi trodde att vi såg en rondell där framme, så genade vi lite genom en skog, vilket resulterade i att vi fick klättra över stängsel och vandra längs motorvägen åt helt fel håll, vi insåg det när vi närmade oss Kungsör. Förbannade och helt slut gick vi över vägen och började gå åt andra hållet, vilket resulterade i att polisen plockade upp oss för typ "Man får inte gå på motorvägen" blabla.. Det var bara skönt, vi slapp ju gå mer.
Väl framme i Eskilstuna började vi gå mot Tobbe's pappas lägenhet, vi hade ringt honom tidigare men inte fått något svar, även till hans jobb men han hade inte varit där. Tobbe ringde runt till sin farmor och andra som kan tänkas veta vart han var, sen började vi gå mot tågstation för att se om det gick några tåg mot Norrköping, för om det gjorde det så skulle vi försöka fixa fram lite pengar och ta oss dit. Efter att ha ringt runt lite och frågat efter pengar så ringde Tobbes mamma och sa att vi skulle gå till hans pappas lägenhet för polisen skulle komma dit, först trodde vi att hon menade att polisen skulle hämta upp oss och köra hem oss (Tobbe fick egentligen inte ge sig av) men vi insåg snart att det var för att de skulle öppna dörren till hans lägenhet och se om han var okej...
Efter att ha kravlat oss dit så dröjde det inte länge innan polisen kom, jag vet inte hur jag ska skriva detta för att ge er läsare en uppfattning om hur det var, det var hemskt, ambulans-killarna och polisen kom ut och berättade att han var död..
I samma stund kändes det som om vi lika bra kunde gå och slänga oss framför ett tåg, livet kändes så jävla orättvist och ovärt, alla de jag bryr mig mest om har det förjävligt och det är fan ingen som mår bra. Jag visste verkligen inte vad jag skulle säga till Tobbe eller någon annan heller, polisen bad mig ringa hans mamma så jag gjorde det och hon kom och hämtade upp oss.

Jag tappade lusten att skriva dagbok nu..
Ta hand om era nära och kära.

RIP Göran


surprise

I guess I am surprising many with what I just wrote. People dont see me as the depressed kind of guy, I dont do either, but I have my bad days I guess... But I do for sure also have good ones! I'll try to write some about those now (and some not so good ones but also not very bad ones) :)

looptroop

Looptroop were in Västerås! Release party for their new CD, which is really great btw. I wasnt there though, I planned on going but in the end I had noone to go with so I just stayed home instead :) Maybe next time.

tibia

I joined a war in Tibia, a war against Masterplan who are the strongest guild on the server, we are pretty doomed to lose but they killed friends of mine so I couldnt just pretend that nothing happened. So now I am kind of fucked on Saphira, I really wanted to get Elder Shildo to lvl 100, im lvl 62 or something now, but now I cant exp.. I made a character on Celesta again, free acc though. We had an open battle against Masterplan, we really got owned, but we almost killed Nobztrakt!



I bought TibiacamTV and sold some more tibia stuff.. Now im trying to worldtrade stuff to Celesta or find someone who wants to buy me a premium account for Saphira gold.

power cut

A few days ago, in the middle of the night, the power went out in my house and in the whole block. I had the blinds down and curtains over the windows, I really couldnt see shit, I have never experienced darkness like then, I really really couldnt see anything at all. It was late but I wasnt tired at all, and I was in the middle of talking with Antonia when it happened. I really didnt know what to do, I couldnt see anything at all and I couldnt sleep, luckily fyrk0 called me after some minutes, so I could see my phone, which I later used as a very weak flashlight! He wanted me to come out and open the door because the thing you enter the code to open the doors on didnt work because of the lack of power. I opened for him and then I went back to my place and called Dennis "Hi, are you awake? Im comming over, I'll sleep at your place, is that ok? I have no electricity here and I am bored", he said it was np so I started to prepare myself for the walk :)
Just when I were about to leave the electricity came back, but the internet was still down, so I asked fyrk0 if he wanted to watch a movie. I made us some popcorn and then we watched a movie called The Tracey Fragments, it was a good movie and it felt really good to do something with fyrk0 again, it was way to long ago since I did something with him, which is kind of embarassing since he lives one floor above me.

starcraft

I have continued to watch alot of Starcraft pro-games, most of them commented by Tasteless, I find it really interesting and exciting.



Antonia and I have been playing some Starcraft together lately, most of the time we play The Hunters against computer controlled enemies and it is great fun! She is really improving and I am so proud of her, we tried a 1v1 once and she almost owned me, I was just really lucky to move my army in the right moment plus the fact that she didnt really know how to counter a mass army of Science vessels back then :)
I even dreamt about starcraft some days ago, I dreamt that I was playing against Dake and I lost every single game for hours (It was maybe not a dream, could also be memories ;)), stupid reaverdrops, dark templars, zealotrushes, carriers, arbeiters and such!

quake

Alot of time passed since I played Quake with Ias (or anyone else) till some days ago, when we decided to frag eachother, it was fun, I owned! Playing with Ias is something I will never get tired of, its really fun..

school and work

School is relatively calm right now, but it somehow stresses me out anyway, its almost summer already!
Ias and his girlfriend might have found a job for me, it would be so cool if we could all work together! It would only be for about two weeks during the summer, but that is already alot better than nothing at all, I really hope I'll get it, I really need the money ;)

drugs and interpretation

One night Antonia and I talked alot about drugs.. Mostly WHY's, why people would try, why they would decide to try again, why why why.. It was interesting, she knows alot about the effects and positive/negative things about different kind of drugs. None of us are using any, not even alcohol, we talked about why we dont and such.. To always stay sober does sometimes make you feel sort of left out, but there are alot of other things that make you feel like that also, for example..



When I was in Germany we watched a couple of movies with her brothers, they are all very good with actors etc while I know nothing at all about anyone even though I do watch alot of movies. After the movies they always talked about the meaning of it, why did the story evolve as it did and why did the characters do this or that, how did they present it and how did everyone interpret things? I were not uninterested, I listened to what they said but I didnt think about things as they did so I had nothing to add or comment really, they all talked alot and I wished I were better at this kind of stuff. I told her about it after we had talked about drugs and addictions the other night and she helped me think more about the actions of the characters etc by asking alot of questions, I think it really helped. Another thing that I noticed when I were in Germany is that they pay alot of attention on how the actor plays his role! I totally copied that behaviour and I have started to appreciate movies alot more after really focusing on how the actors play their roles.

I am so tired right now, I cant type! Dont know when its supposed to be was/were or a "s"! The sentences are getting weird and I place commas all over and then remove and rewrite and do alot of weird things xD You know what that mean, COLA TIME!

instant && random == null

Dake and I were gona try to get some schoolwork done, so we started playing Gradius at my place (!!), we came farther than we have ever done before, we owned so much. Gradius is fucking impossible btw.
After alot of talking we fell asleep for about an hour, woke up around 00.30 and decided to go get his car and then buy some cola. We started to walk and for some reason we started to talk about scientific stuff, Einstein, space, gravity, light and a whole lot of other things. When we got back to my place we began to look things up on Youtube and wikipedia, listened to audiobooks by Stephen Hawkings and it was very interesting. We spent like seven hours or so talking about different theories, alot about gravity, time and the speed of light. What would happen if we could one day travel faster than the light, what would we see? Why are things as they are? How did it start? If time has no beginning or end, what happened during the infinite time before the big bang? And before that? And before that?



We agreed that whatever happened it couldnt have happened randomly, whatever happened happened for a reason, the circumstances and surroundings, it cant just happen something for no reason! That made us think, what is random anyway? We came to the conclusion that random doesnt even exist, nothing is random, sometimes very unpredictable, but not random. We started to look up how programmers define their random algorithms, we knew it would ofcourse not be "random", just something hard to predict.
Aah I am getting really tired so I wont mention any details.. Anyway, we also came to the conclusion that nothing is instant. All talk about science and space made me want to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy again but I only had it in swedish and since I would love to be able to share some of the chapters with Antonia, I bought it in english :)

elias

Elias is really growing fast and making alot of progress! He is the cutest kid ever!



I get so happy everytime we ask "Where is moms lamp?" and he turn his head towards it, showing us where it is, or "Where is grandmothers car?" and he start looking around for my moms car :) When we mention her car he gets really happy and energetic, he loves to travel by car :)

He can now sit up without any kind of help, dont need to hold anything to retain balance and he can sit up by himself from lying down :) So now he is rolling around like crazy, kicking everything, making his way to wherever he wants to get and its so amazing to see! I am so happy when I am around him.

He has been measured etc by doctors now, they are gona give him some kind of iron(?) bars and special shoes so we can make his legs be straight, kind of like what you do to someone who broke their leg, to keep it in position. I hope it will help him be able to stand on his feet, get some confidence about it and walk!! That would be a dream come true! He is also getting a wheelchair at kindergarten so he can race around and be the king of the street! I am very expectant and I really hope everything will go well!

Yesterday I were at my grandmothers place with my mom and Elias, and my grandmother was so happy to see him sit, it was a beautiful moment. <3

:o

I might move to Germany in 3-4 months! Stay there for a year or so ;oooo
Not gona write to much about it now, since things are not certain at all... But I hope..

Expect more info about it in the next post! Now, finally, bedtime.